so i guess this is what happens when you are under so much stress. your mind tries to find distractions instead of trying to face your problems and come up with solutions for them. i spent quite a bit on registering this domain. do i regret it? no, not really. i feel this might be something i could get behind doing. maybe not everyday. but it’s good to have in case you’re bored. also i think i could use this as something to do while listening to music, something i’ve lost interest in for a long time since i started my university education. anyways, the reason i’ve decided to create this space is because i want to go back to my roots. i want to find my long lost self and stick with it forever. i want to be my own friend again. the friend that doesn’t care what people think about him or what he likes. the friend who truly appreciates the things he likes. the friend that is proud of himself. that is the person i want to be. it’s something i once was. perhaps it was due to loneliness and being socially awkward that i was that person. but i’ve come to learn that he was right. i feel less free today than what i was 5 years ago. could it be because of aging? the people i'm around? or a combination of both? i’m not sure, though i feel like it is a combination of both, i deep down want it to be the people i’m around. because that would mean that it’s something i could control. while my age is something i can’t control. either way. my plan is to try and distance myself from intruding into peoples circles. in hopes that avoiding such situations will help make me feel more independent and not restrained with having too many people around me. and my method of avoiding those situations is to self communicate using this page. because i’ve come to realize the reason i try finding new people is to find love. whether it be platonic or romantic. i say love but what i meant to say is someone who cares. but i also think love is a big factor too. eitherway, i believe those are things i can accomplish on my own, on my time. the topic of love is something i’ve never been able to figure out. it’s something i feel i lack, although i’ve told that i have enough of it already. i still feel empty inside. maybe it’s because i’ve been trying to force it. though i’ve learned my lesson with that multiple times. i can’t seem to figure out how to find the balance of taking action and staying quiet about things. i’ve forced things that i knew were forced in hopes they would play out differently to things i’ve spent months on only to be met with rejection and i’ve realized that it’s such an awful thing to do. i feel selfish about it. and i probably will continue to feel that way for a while. anyways moving past that topic, im still stressed out about the project stuff and assignments that i have to finish this week. what moron decided it would be a good idea to have so much shit crammed just before the winter break. and the dumb part about it is that they crammed so much shit for the next 3 weeks that after the break we literally have nothing left to do by that time. why couldn’t they do a 50/50 split??? why do a ridiculous 80/20 split and cram everything together like that?? and they expect people like me to register 5-7 classes worth like 17 credits (which is almost the maximum of 18 credits) in one semester?? yeah, fuck off. no one is sane enough to do that shit. im barely holding on mentally doing the absolute minimum of 12 credits. though i do regret taking the 0 credit course. such a stupid course that i could’ve pushed to a summer semester or something silly. but it’s whatever. i’ll get through it. for now i need to figure out what my next game plan is. because im pretty much on a timer now. every hour holds so much importance. and im definitely not doing the right thing stressing about stuff when i could be working on things right now. i know it for a fact. it’s just… difficult to figure out where to start. there is so much stuff to go through. so many requirements. so many deliverables. so many spreadsheets and slides that i need to work on. so much research that i need to do. it’s just impossible for me to start working. it doesn’t help that the people im with are so clueless. maybe it’s an ego thing im having but i truly believe these people don’t know how fucked they could be and they don’t realize it. i’ve talked to someone to help me with it. they said they would work on it and promised it would be worked on by today. i haven’t received anything back and i haven’t talked to them about it yet. i think i will definitely talk about it in hopes of a good update. because if im being played with here im just gonna try to force something out in a really long session. that might work. i usually preform adequately when im forced under pressure. eitherway, i’ll try to figure something out. for now. i think it’s time i get some rest. maybe i’ll get back to doing this somewhere in the middle of next month. or i could keep doing it everyday and continue tomorrow, though i know it would be difficult because the school work will be all that’s on my mind and i will have nothing interesting to talk about with myself. we’ll see. goodnight for now. love, racroxx