i think a break is needed soon. i may have put myself out there for too long. now there are more people i need to build connections with. more responsibilities. it seems rather overwhelming and stressful. especially given the bridges i have burnt recently because of my irrational behavior. behavior that i just can’t seem to get rid of when in public places. and i don’t think i can even if i wanted to. as sad as it may sound, it is what gives me personality. it is what makes me who i am. without that behavior i have no soul. without a soul i am nothing. just an empty shell. and this is a shell that is already half full. struggling with an identity crisis. unclear with how to progress through the future. already living multiple personalities, whether it be with family, real life friendships, online friendships, or intrapersonal connection. the latter of which is in a constant struggle between deciding which one of the three it wants to settle with. i can’t seem to be able to break through this cycle. feeling lonely, putting myself out there to try and make new friends, feeling pressured with trying my best to care of said new friends, feeling more loneliness because of my overthinking behavior and asking myself, “why should this person care about me if they already have much more people around them than i do?”. a decision has to be made. i need to stop involving myself with people. i need to go back to my normal state. my state of being a loner. quietly existing in the background. away from self involvement. only receiving attention. not giving any until first received. these last 3 years, i have ventured for far too long. into a crowded place where you are unable to hear your own thoughts. there are no earplugs around. i have looked far and wide. the only way to achieve peace is to just go back home.